I am passive in my suffering. Stilled since my youngest days by oppressors I thought unquestionable. I learned to disappear into my little world of games and fantasies but they found me anyway.
Sometimes I could see the beginnings of their torment but had no recourse.
In those days my silent, lonely tears comforted me.
Now, doctor, my tears anger me and the past appears without boundaries.
I am the child stubbornly silent as the invader probes my inner heart
and whispers the same threats. Where is my strength if not in my G-d?
I must fight the invisible enemy of my emotions and run to do battle
only to find there’s no one there. I am face to face with myself to ridicule
and blame without mercy. G-d please protect me from my poisonous self
since there is no one else. Help me find a way out of this maze and house
Can I believe what they tell me? Their counsel barely sparks my interest
yet You have sent them to my aid to dispel my crowded loneliness. They
referee and call foul so unexpectedly I am surprised yet I am unable to benefit their counsel.
The occupants of my tortured heart seem to know me better and ridicule my strivings. My only hope is the chink of Light You show me in the darkest moments. All I have is Your pathways often hidden but always there.
I don’t know how long, but its been awhile I’ve probably become indecisive. Sometimes I’m sure but then I begin to wonder how I could be sure of being indecisive. Isn’t that a decision?
If I have a problem I usually see two possibilities but think maybe they’re both wrong and there’s really an even better solution that I can’t think of? So I’m stuck choosing between two wrong solutions or not knowing the right one.
I’m currently wondering whether I should continue writing this.
But since I started it I don’t think I can just stop. The burden of a decision seems to outweigh making it. I’m not so sure though.
No solution seems complete enough to simply decide by myself. I hope something will happen or someone will just tell me what to do. I don’t think I was always like this but lately I see one side that seems right, all things considered. It’s uncanny that I may suddenly see an opposing view that has equal merit.
Perhaps my indecision is fueled by my limitations?